When Answered Prayers are not Answered Prayers

Thank you, Diane Mann, for your courage in sharing your heart with this blog.  I know God will use it as an encouragement to many.  We love you; we continue to pray for you and the countless others who grieve over the results of addiction.

WHEN ANSWERED PRAYERS ARE NOT ANSWERED PRAYERS

“He will regard the prayer of the destitute and not despise their prayer. For he looks down the height of his sanctuary, from heaven did the Lord behold the earth; To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loosen those that are appointed to death.”  Psalm 102:17,19

On May 11, 2019, the worst nightmare and our greatest fear as parents came to pass. We lost our precious and only son Zack to an overdose. What I really know is that God our Father, and our savior Jesus Christ, rescued him from his sickness and took him to heaven to suffer no more.

Zack battled substance abuse since he was a teenager, mostly marijuana, but he went through times of trying harder drugs. In 2016, we discovered he was using harder drugs. In 2017, after going through personal losses, he spiraled out of control to active addiction. It had its grip and held him tight! He no longer was able to keep a job; he sold his truck to gain money for drugs. He suffered so severely but would not let us help him! Finally, the week of Christmas 2017, he told me he tried to hang himself, but the belt-buckle broke, sparing his life! I pleaded with him and talked him into going into the hospital to get help! He stayed for eight days, and they called us in for counseling, saying that he was ready to leave. His father and I both knew that this had not been enough time to strengthen him!

We rented an apartment for him, hoping he could be independent, maintain a job, get a vehicle, and feed himself. All those necessities we need as individuals to live and support ourselves! Months passed, and we saw him decline further into his addiction. We prayed for deliverance, and we prayed for the Lord to reveal to us his will!

After 6 months of paying his bills, I asked the Lord to show me what he would have me do! I knew we were enabling him financially, even though we did not give him money. We were buying his food, paying utilities, paying his rent, providing cell phones, and supplies. This day, after praying for God’s will to know when to stop helping him, I drove up to his house. Two men came out of his apartment with a shoulder bag. Zack was not even home! I knew God had given me an immediate answer! I knew these guys were addicts, probably dealers themselves. After that day, I never paid for another bill. In thirty days, Zack was evicted from his apartment! From that day he was homeless, staying with one friend or another.

The months he was walking the streets homeless were the most devastating days of our lives! I really thought my heart would burst from my chest many days. We grieved, and we prayed for his deliverance, for him to be safe, not hungry! When he would call hungry, I would meet him out on dirt roads far out in the country to feed him or take him somewhere! The prayers of family, friends, and our church family were the only reason we were able mentally to go on.

God heard our prayers; in September or 2018, he was arrested! A prayer was answered because I knew he was not cold, not hungry, and there was an opportunity for him to get clean! He stayed for several weeks. Then a friend bonded him out. After a couple of weeks, the addiction was full speed ahead! We had to give tough love to try and save him, but I want you to know no matter which way you turn with an addictive adult child it is so hard! You question everything, the past, the present, the future, and yes, you even question God -many times, because your prayer is not answered!

In November of 2018, I appealed to Zack again for him to go to rehab. I had a friend who had a contact at “His Place” near Auburn. She called, and we were able to place Zack. He went reluctantly. In my heart, I knew that he was not ready. But I had him in the car, and off we went. I prayed. I knew that most addicts are not thrilled about going, but sometimes after going, the Holy Spirit is able to break those walls down. We met the director, and while he talked to Zack, I had to crank up my car and leave him there. The next morning the director of the rehab called me and said, “I’m sorry, but Zack left walking this morning. He said he just wasn’t ready to do the program.” Again, he was walking the streets and from house to house, staying with whoever would let him stay.

The attack on our family was the worst at this time of our life! My husband and I retired in August of 2018. We were mentally and emotionally exhausted! As a pastor, my husband knew in his heart that he was not his spiritual best to lead a church. He retired a year early, and I decided to retire at 62. We loved our church family so much, but our family was in crisis! A pastor’s family is no different from anyone else. We also carry heavy burdens, weep over unanswered prayers for our children, experience financial difficulty, depression, and oppression from the enemy. There comes a time that God says, “time out.” We kept praying and trusting God that one day, this nightmare that our precious son was living would be taken away, and deliverance would be his!

On December 5th, 2018, we received an early morning phone call from one of my closest friends. I knew when I heard her voice that something was gravely wrong! Her precious granddaughter was found dead that morning — a beautiful precious girl just like our precious Zack. We had prayed together for her and Zack for 12 years. I could hardly stand for the grief that buckled my knees for them. I cried all day for the loss of this beautiful daughter and granddaughter.

I prayed for them all day. I also wept for my Zack. I had no idea where he was. That day I thought I could not bear this burden any longer. I begged God to intervene on behalf of Zack. About midday God answered my prayer; I prayed for Zack to call me and he did! He needed a ride, so I picked him up on the street in freezing temperatures. He didn’t have a coat, because once again, everything he owned had been stolen from him. I once again shared my heart with him, begging him to let us get him in rehab. He still refused help.

I took Zack to Walmart to get a coat, clothes, and a phone. I couldn’t stand the fact he had no car or phone! My heart was so broken for his condition. I knew we didn’t know what the future would hold for him. I was thankful that I had prayed for help, and God, once again, rescued him! I was looking for clothes for him when I looked up to see him coming toward me. He was handcuffed by a police officer in Walmart! Because Zack had been robbed numerous times, he had a gun on him with no permit. The police officer at Walmart had padded people down in the store looking for a suspect wearing a hoody sweatshirt; Zack had a hoody on. Zack was arrested on the spot in Walmart, right in front of me! My response was, “this is an answer to prayer!”

Again, God heard my plea for help, but His answer does not always come in the way we think. Zack was arrested and charged with carrying a concealed weapon with no permit. God can do more than we can imagine. We know that “His ways are not our ways nor his thoughts ours!”

Zack was arrested on December 5, 2018. He stayed in Jail 105 days. During those weeks of being clean, I began to hear the voice of my precious son again. He had more clarity than I had heard in years. On January 12, 2019, I received the phone call I had prayed to receive for many years! Zack called and said, “Mama, I got saved!” As a child, Zack accepted Jesus and was baptized, but as a young adult, he began to question a God that allowed such bad things to happen in the world. He couldn’t fully grasp the fact that we live in a fallen world, and man’s choices cause pain and heartache, and only through Christ are we able to overcome!!! Having that time in jail God stilled him and revealed his love to him. For that time, I am forever grateful!

When Zack was released from jail, we were so happy to see him! We brought him to our house, and, in a few weeks, he got a job. We were encouraged by what we saw. Zack stayed home and went to work for two weeks. When he got his first paycheck, it all started back again. He never went back to work. Zack stayed gone more and more. We knew he was “using.” I tried to get him to go to Celebrate Recovery. He simply would not go. I prayed continually. In my heart, I felt that anxious, overwhelming worry that again controlled my life!

Fear is an all-consuming attack on your mind. Faith, on the other hand, is a hope that brings us peace no matter the circumstance. You know God will sustain you. One day during my prayer time, God spoke these words to me “Diane, do you mean you cannot trust me with your son Zack after I performed a miracle on your body just a few months ago?” You see, I had been very sick in January. I had a mass the size of a softball on my small intestine, pancreas, and bile duct that was inoperable. Miraculously, it “went away” a month later. Even the doctors told me God had healed me! From my prayer time that day, and those words from the Holy Spirit, I began to be more confident in my faith. I had to surrender Zack to God’s hand and trust God more!

A friend felt lead to pray over me that day and told me God was about to open doors in our ministry that we had never walked through! Another friend told me to claim a word over my burden that I could look to in faith over Zack. The word resolved became my word of hope! I wrote this on my refrigerator, hoping not only I would see it but Zack too! ‘I am resolved, settled, firm in purpose, in Christ alone pressing on!”

If I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that every encounter we have is significant! Don’t brush off those moments when we get a whisper from God, a prayer from a friend, or a word fitly spoken, because they are the breath of God blowing winds of comfort and confirmation! Six days before Zack died, he was having terrible withdrawals. We began to talk, and I again tried to encourage him to go to rehab. I didn’t know how profound Zack’s answered would be until the day he died. I shared how God had healed me just a few months earlier of a large mass. I explained that if he would trust God, God could heal him! Zack said these words (they still ring in my ears daily), “Mom, why won’t God give me a miracle -like he did you?” I told him that not everyone is healed instantly. We know of many miracles that happen in that manner, but sometimes we contend with things by God’s power to strengthen us to overcome daily.

I asked Zack to let me pray for him. I dropped to my knees, crying out to God for healing and power to overcome this stronghold in my precious sons’ life! As I prayed, it felt as if a wall stood between God and me. What I didn’t know until later was that Zack was in such a state of withdrawals that all he could think of was getting out of there. He was not in agreement yet for healing. Sadly, at that time, he wanted another hit of drugs more than being healed of his addiction.

On May 11, 2019, I found Zack asleep on my porch around 6 am. He woke up and went to his room. He was still sleeping when I arrived home from a Christian Women Job Corps graduation that afternoon. We had learned of a young man that was found dead in Albertville from an overdose that morning. So many knew in our area knew this young man. I was heartbroken for that family. I sat on my deck, praying to God for that family and for my Zack.

I asked God that day while Zack was asleep to please intervene. I asked Him specifically that if Zack left that day looking for drugs, that God would send a policeman an arrest him. Then Zack could get clean, have clarity of mind, and be willing to go to rehab and get help. I hid Zack’s phone while he was asleep, hoping he would talk to me and not start texting. He awoke, and I said, “Son, do you know this young man that was found dead this morning in Albertville? He died of an overdose.” Zack said he didn’t know him. I said, “Son, please, let’s sit and talk. We need to get you help.”

Zack would not talk. He wanted me to give him his phone and not bother him. I knew he was not happy about his phone, so I gave it to him and went to sit in the living room! How I wish I had pressed harder, hugged him, and looked into those beautiful brown eyes one more time! You see, encounters are significant! We don’t know how much they are until we have no more.

THE DEPARTURE

Around 10 pm, I went to bed. I heard a knock at the front door, and I thought it was Zack coming home. Larry went to the door, and in just a minute, he was back to the bedroom. He said, “Diane, we need to talk.”

I got up and sat down. I asked who was at the door? Was it a policeman? I said, “did they arrest him? I prayed today that they would arrest him if he went looking for drugs.”

He said, “Diane, he is gone!”

I couldn’t believe it then, and still, five months later, I’m in disbelief that my precious son will never be here in my presence in this life ever again. This is not the deliverance I had prayed for! I wanted Zack to be free from this stronghold in this life! I wanted him to experience joy. I wanted him to find love. I wanted him to see his son grow up. I wanted him to be a happy Christian, using the gifts God had instilled in him when he formed him in the womb!! My greatest nightmare had happened. In this life, there will be a forever hole in my heart. His final words that his dad found were on the Mother’s Day card he had written for me before he left that evening. He wrote “Thank you for being there for me, for caring about me and trying to help me. I appreciate it even though, at times it doesn’t seem like it. Love Zack.” My precious son was rescued; less than three hours later he was in heaven.

THE DELIVERANCE

When Zack asked for a miracle on Sunday before he died on the next Saturday, little did we know that the God of mercy had a plan in place for that request! What we do know is that the Bible says this “In this world you will have trouble but be of good cheer I have overcome the world.” Trouble comes in many forms, shapes, and sizes! When I look at our journey, our loss of our precious Zack, I realize that many people experience significant pain and heartache in this world. The handicapped child who can’t walk, the blind person, the deaf, the loved one killed in a wreck, the family member that was murdered, the molested or abused child, the son or daughter who died because of war, and the list goes on and on. Heartache and grief are part of this life.

What if there was no deliverance from the things we can’t change? For my Zack, his deliverance was an eternal one. Don’t get me wrong; his choices caused the overdose. But God took Zack’s last breath! I realize that had Zack lived, he probably would never have been able to overcome what the drugs had done to his body! God delivered Zack from himself because Zack was not strong enough to fight the demon anymore that had bound his flesh. When I asked for a policeman to arrest him, God said, “I can do better! I will send a holy angel to cover him with his wings, and he will find refuge forever from anything that comes against him!!!”

THE DESTINATION

“To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.”  When the thief who believed in Jesus on the cross died, Jesus said, “Today thou will be with me in paradise.” Jesus also comforted his followers when He said, “and if I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself that where I am there, you may be also.”

Revelation 21 tells us, “And I saw a new heaven and a new earth for the first heaven and the first earth passed away.” And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be no more pain: for the former things are passed away.” The last thing to be conquered is death! O death, where is thy sting, oh grave where is thy victory?

My baby is not in that plot at the cemetery. He has a new home that was not made with hands – eternal in the heavens!! This place is for all who call upon the name of Jesus and accept him as their personal Savior, Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. We all are going to die one day. My Zack got to go earlier than we ever expected. Thank God, Zack is free! Free at last!

THE GRIEF

Losing Zack to an overdose, and the years prior to his death, make up the greatest heartache that Larry and I have ever endured! Grief ambushes you out of nowhere. As a Christian, I never would want Zack back here in this hard and troubled world. Knowing he is in heaven is still not enough on some days to stop the tears. Watching his pain and experiencing such fractures in our family is a grief that will endure for a long time. I wanted Zack to be healed here, but it didn’t happen that way.

A friend said something to me a few days ago that made a light go off in my heart. She said, “Sometimes answered prayers are not answered prayers.” I get that -finally! “My thoughts are not your thoughts saith the Lord, nor my ways your ways.” What we see as healing can come more in an eternal manner! Doors that we see opening God has a way of closing! Things we seek may be made unreachable by God.

What I realize more and more is that many people suffer. Beth Moore said, “some are thrown in a pit, some jump into a pit, and sometimes it just happens because we live in an unperfected world!” In 2nd Samuel 18: 5, King David told Joab, Abishai, and Itta to deal gently with his rebellious son, Absalom, for his sake. In the next verse, King David said, “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absolam! Would I had died for thee!” That is how my heart feels for Zack. I would rather it be me to have suffered pain any day than him!

THE PURPOSE

If I believe God’s word to be true, and I desire to serve Him as His child until he calls me to heaven, then I must stand on what I said those months ago. God said, “RESOLVED.” I MUST BE SETTLED IN PURPOSE AND PRESS ON IN CHRIST ALONE!

My heart’s desire is to reach others suffering from addiction. I want to help them find their way to freedom through Christ! I am praying now for many loved ones with addictions, many friends with adult children who have been in bondage for so long! I am for our community and its leaders to be willing to offer a way out! I am praying for children of addicted parents to know the love of a mom and dad; to be finally rescued from this destroyer of the family!

My purpose as a Christian is the same as it has been since I was a young girl. I want all to come to the knowledge of a loving God through Jesus Christ! Through the loss of Zack, I am still in the depths of grief. I am not my best at this moment in time, but my purpose is greater than ever: to see many rescued by the power of Jesus!

I am praying for those in chains of bondage.

May Christ show you how much you are loved; you are favored; you are worthy.

“He who the Son sets free is free indeed!”

Diane Mann
Lean into Jesus Ministries

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