Seasons of Change
Someone recently asked me, “What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?”
My answer: “Being a mom.”
“Well, what’s the easiest/best thing you’ve ever done?”
Me: “Being a mom.”
I had my son, Bennett, at the young age of 21. He was actually born the night before my 21st birthday.
I was so young and, honestly, so unprepared. I didn’t realize just how ill-prepared I was until he got his first ear infection at only four months old.
Aside from not sleeping well at night, he was the best baby. This particular morning he woke up crying. His dad was at work, we only had one car and had just moved into an apartment, so our phone wasn’t hooked up yet. Oh! And we didn’t have cell phones.
He cried all morning, and I had no clue why and no way to call for advice. I remember trying to rock him, walk the floors with him, and sing to him, but nothing helped. The only way he would sleep was if I did a combination of walking and rocking at the same time, and even then, he would only sleep for a few minutes at a time. I felt so helpless and like such a failure. I just couldn’t help him.
A few hours passed, and I finally broke down, unable to cope with the situation on my own any longer. I went next door and asked our neighbor, whom I had never met, if I could use her phone to call his dad. He came home from work, and we took Bennett to the doctor. We would learn that this would be the first of many ear infections.
While Bennett was growing up, there were other moments when I felt so helpless, but there have also been times when I have been given supernatural peace and assurance. I look back on it now and can so clearly see the Lord’s hand in every moment.
If I’m really honest, I would say as hard as those moments were when he was younger, transitioning from adolescence to adulthood has been harder.
The day we moved him to Tuscaloosa for college was so fun and exciting. It wasn’t until that last hug before leaving his dorm that reality struck. I knew from that day on things were changing, and life would be very different. I was excited for him but, at the same time, heartbroken because I would miss him so much.
My relationship with the Father deepened over the next four years, probably because I had never prayed so much in my life; I had to surrender my son to the Lord. It’s surreal when you realize your child/children aren’t actually yours. They are on loan from our Heavenly Father, who loves them so much more than we ever could, and His plan for our kids is so much better than any we could dream or imagine.
My son is now 25, and Lord willing, he will be moving to Florida in May to begin his dream job. Last night, while having dinner, reality once again hit me head-on. Visits home will be fewer, and I can’t just hop in the car and be to him in two hours. My bonus son, Austin, lives in Nashville, so thankfully, he’s still not far.
I had myself a good little cry, but then, like countless times before, my Father met me right where I was. It was almost as if He sat down beside me and whispered, “it’s going to be okay.”
Being a mom is definitely hard. It’s scary; it’s overwhelming and challenging. At the same time, It’s a blessing; it’s exciting and fun. I thank God daily for the privilege of being a mom: the good times and the bad.
I still have moments of worry and question my abilities as a parent, moments I feel like a failure and want to control things that are clearly outside my control, BUT God is so good, and He knows me so well. He always meets me in those moments to offer comfort that surpasses my human comprehension.
Every day that we awake with a heartbeat in our chest is a gift from the Father. I will choose to be glad in it. I know my weaknesses as a mom, but I also know that in my weakness, God is strong. I am helpless without Him.
I’ve chosen to surrender my life to the Lord. I recognize my inability to achieve perfection on this side of Heaven; I acknowledge my mistakes as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend- but I am not defined by them.
The Father specifically designed the race I’m running for me. No one can do the things I do, including being a mom. I will choose to seek the Lord for guidance, wisdom, peace, and strength. He never promised life would be easy; in fact, He made sure to tell us that in this life, there would be hardships and trials. What He did promise is that we would never face them alone, and for that, I am so grateful.
As hard as it is to be a mom to any child at any age, doing it without God is unbearable.
I pray for anyone living in a difficult season, whether you desperately want to be a mom or you feel desperate as a mom- rest in the arms of our Savior. He not only understands every struggle, but He also has a purpose for the struggle.
I will gladly take this life full of moments that are delightfully good and ones that are dreadfully hard with a sense of gratitude. I know that in every season, there is change and growth, and I’m trusting that in all things, He is ultimately working for my good.
Lynn Fulwider
Lean into Jesus Ministries
#lynnfulwiderblogs
