For obvious reasons, this is a hard one to write; it’s even harder to share. I’ve wrestled with this topic for a while, but I feel it’s an important one to talk about. If even one person can relate and benefit from this, then it will have been worth it. Take care of yourself, my friends, especially if you are in leadership. You can’t effectively lead if you are neglecting your physical, mental, and spiritual health.
And now… the rest of the story.
I have always thought of myself as someone who can handle change and stress rather well. I actually don’t mind change at all; in fact, I often crave it. I find that I get bored very easily if I get stuck in a routine, and while stressful things may be going on, I don’t ever “feel” stressed.
However, over the last few years, I have been experiencing something new. Probably half a dozen times, I have been woken from a sound sleep with a rapid heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and tightness in my chest. Three years ago, I had a reaction to a migraine medication that sent me to the ER. The doctor said I would have had a “cardiac event” had I not been brought in. Of course, now, anytime I feel “off,” I am fully convinced that It’s a heart attack.
So… half a dozen times I’ve woken up feeling this way, half a dozen times we’ve had to call the ambulance to our house.
The paramedics come in, check my vitals, and monitor my heart. Each time, the same outcome. The very kind and comforting medical team assured me that my vitals looked great, my blood pressure wasn’t in the danger zone, and my throat wasn’t ACTUALLY swelling shut. With great compassion, they reassure me that I’m not ACTUALLY going to die.
What they did think was happening was an acute panic/anxiety attack.
If I’m honest, this was a relief to hear, but at the same time, it was devastating. How could I be so sure of one thing only to find out it was a cruel trick my mind was playing on me? A physical response to the stresses around me.
The last event happened only about a month ago.
Same scenario: I woke up with tightness in my chest, heart racing, shortness of breath, my blood pressure was higher than normal, I had trouble swallowing, and my hands and mouth were partially drawn- it was terrible. I woke my husband up and asked him to pray for me. We turned on worship music, and he began the routine questions to reel me back in. Nothing was working; I felt so out of control. I felt ashamed, I felt like a burden, I felt sad, angry, confused, frustrated. I knew what this was, but I couldn’t stop it. I felt like I was a disappointment to God, like an embarrassment to my husband. I felt like a failure. My body was physically responding to the stress I wasn’t even aware I was under.
I often tell the women I minister to that our enemy isn’t the obvious big scary monster that hides under our bed waiting for the chance to jump out and scare us. Our enemy is sneakier than that. Our enemy is most times the soft whisper in our ear that tells us, “We can’t do this,” “We’re too young or too old for that.”
The voice that constantly reminds us of our past mistakes and failures.
The voice that tries to convince us that we are a hopeless disappointment, incapable of being loved or accepted.
Stress, anxiety, and fear are all very real things. I would consider myself a strong person, but in those chaotic moments, I have never in my life felt more weak and helpless.
If this sounds like anything you’ve ever experienced, I have good news.
When uneasiness rages in our hearts, how reassuring it is to know that the Lord is with us and for us, clearing the way ahead. He knows every turn and all the details in front of us, and in His kindness and goodness, He orchestrates the specifics that deeply concern us. Through each disappointment or setback, He never fails us or abandons us. I find great comfort in this.
It’s in these weakest moments that I am reminded of my very limited capabilities but also of the strength and love of my Heavenly Father.
My Father knows me so well. He knows that I will have moments of worry, stress, and fear. He knows that I will sometimes spin out of control, trying to control things that I have no control over. None of that surprises Him.
My God is faithful, He is good, He is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do.
This is why I know that even in moments of panic, I am not alone.
We aren’t promised a life that is free from hardships; we aren’t promised a life that is easy. In fact, we are guaranteed to have struggles.
We can rest on the promise that we will never suffer alone, that even in the darkest moments, our Father is with us. And for those who trust and believe in Him, He is working ALL things for our good and His glory.
My prayer is that if you have ever felt hopeless, scared, alone, and desperate- you would reach out. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. God is with you, and He proves this time and time again in His word and through the love and kindness of others.
John 16:33 reads:
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
And,, Psalms 56:3 says:
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”
It’s as simple as that. I am weak, I will stumble, but Heavenly Father, I trust you. I trust You will never abandon me. You have not forsaken me, and my mind can’t comprehend how deep your love is for me.
There are times when you should absolutely seek medical attention, but even in those moments, it’s vital to remind yourself, “Don’t Panic, breathe, this will pass.”
I don’t always understand why things happen the way they do, but I press on. I will fight the fight and run well, the race that has been set before me.- in Jesus’ name.
Lynn Fulwider
Lean into Jesus Ministries
#lynnfulwiderblogs
