Sitting alone in the ER waiting room. There is an adult daughter and her mother close to me. I could hear bits of their conversation. I found myself transported back in time to a hospital room so many years ago.
The room was only lit by the television, but no sound was on. I sat in a chair in the corner, watching my mom’s chest go up and down; this way, I could be sure she was breathing. A nurse came in to check her vitals. My mom awakes, the nurse looks at me and gives me a smile that can only be understood as a sad, knowing smile. She tells my mom, “What a beautiful daughter you have.” Looking at me, my mom responds, “She is, and I love her.” With a slight smile, she drifted off to sleep.
These are the last words of my mother. They are embedded in my heart. I was overwhelmed in the moment; speaking of love is something my family rarely did.
We had been on this hospital stay for over a week, and something in me had felt different that evening. After I knew she was back to sleep, I walked to the chapel and prayed that her pain would be taken from her. I must have stayed for an hour alone, saying the same prayer.
I would soon learn she had drifted into a coma, her last coma. Mom peacefully left this place within a few hours. I will tell you I felt guilty for my prayer of releasing her from pain like somehow, I caused her to pass. Knowing that was not how it works …but still.
Losing her, I just felt ALONE.
At 19, losing your mom is not something anyone ever thinks about. You take for granted that there will be a lifetime of memories to make. When your mom passes at such an early age, you miss out on the adult relationship, the friendship. I still find myself envious when I see adult mothers and daughters together, enjoying each other because it was not to be for us. Even after all these years, I crave it. That hole has never been filled. There are times I just feel ALONE.
Everything changed.
Once you lose your mom, especially as a teen, it changes everything about you. All the moments, milestones mother and daughters share felt stolen from us. You also miss out on a role model of someone to model your adulthood from.
Once I accepted Jesus in my life, I had a constant prayer on repeat in my head. I wanted to have a seasoned woman step in and help me guide thru life. Again, this was not to be. This did not mean my Lord did not hear or answer my prayers. He did, in fact, just not in the way I would have expected.
So many years later, back in the ER, I realized it was all there right in front of me.
All the women in The Bible I had been reading about for years. Each of these women and so many more I have learned and continue to learn from. These women have filled a hole and taught me lessons that my mom didn’t have the time to. When I immerse myself in these women, I don’t feel so alone anymore.
- Mary: unconditional motherly love
- Ruth: step out on faith
- Mary Magdalene: loyalty
- Hannah: faith and patience
- Eve: God is good; Satan is not
- Deborah: compassion
- Queen Esther: courage
- Elizabeth: God’s promise
- Priscilla: example of a Godly wife
- Mary of Bethany: putting Jesus first
- Hagar: God sees me
“Father, our world is hurting and broken. We pray for those who have lost loved ones, please comfort them in their grief and loss, cover them with Your peace and presence, as only You can. We know that in whatever we face, You are our peace and refuge, a very present help in times of trouble.
Help us not to fear the future but to boldly trust that you are in control when our emotions plunge us down, and when we are in despair. And times when we can’t talk and don’t know what to say, help us to “Be still, and know that You are God”. Be our comforter, healer and bring us peace. Please grant us peace of mind and calm our troubled hearts. Give us the strength and clarity of mind to find our purpose and walk the path you’ve laid out for each of us.
Father, I ask a special blessing for the motherless daughters to show them that are they are not alone or lost, that they are loved indeed. To give them clarity to know You are with them and will never leave.
I ask this is all in Jesus’ name. Amen”
Missy Burks
Lean into Jesus Ministries
#missyburksblogs