“What am I doing here?” I thought to myself one night before falling asleep. “What is going on? God, where are you? Why can’t I hear you?”
I feel like I have had a fire and a passion for God burning in me for quite some time. My husband and I go to Arizona each winter to visit family. I am usually reluctant to leave Alabama because I am so involved at my church, with ministries, and we love being with our friends. What gives me the motivation to go is my husband’s excitement. I also get excited to see how the Lord will use me there.
Well, things were different this time. We decided to sell our piece of property in Arizona, and it came along with a ton of work. Work that we had not expected. In order to complete everything, we had to work the whole trip. My time with Jesus turned into a mile-long to-do list and exhaustion by the end of the day. I’d wake up as early as I could to do my Bible study, only to find confusion and have my thoughts constantly interrupted. When I tried to read at night, I’d fall asleep. I told my husband, “I feel like I’m being sprinkled with sleepy dust.” I was always tired.
When I am in a spiritual battle, I usually recognize the signs. The enemy comes in like a tornado and rips things apart. I know what to do. I go to my prayer room, arm up with the armor of God, and hit my knees. This attack was different. This was a sneak attack to my heart. To my relationship with God. Slowly and consistently, and I’m not even sure, at that point, if I even realized it. My schedule was so consumed. I didn’t have time to do anything else, let alone spend quiet time with the Lord. I had a deadline, and so did the enemy.
One afternoon I was sitting in a chair outside listening to worship music. I started to cry, and I said, “God, where are you? Why don’t I feel you here?”
I felt as if He said, “I am here; it is you who has moved.”
My spirit was crushed. I’m reminded of Psalm 34:18, where David says,
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
When we returned home, I was happy and knew things would quickly return to normal, so I thought. But they didn’t. I was still distant. I tried everything, but it seemed as if the chains were still holding me captive. In my prayer room, I asked God, “What am I doing here? How did this happen? How have I become so distant and not realized it before now?” Now I know how David felt when he cried out to the Lord in Psalm 13:1-2,
“How Long, oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?”
Even during this disruption, I am reminded that ALL things work together for good to those who love God and who are called according to his purpose. So even though I failed to recognize early on that I was slowly being attacked by the enemy, God used it for His good. When something comes out of the left field and hits you, do you ever ask God, “OK, what am I to learn from this?” I want to learn the first time around, so I don’t have to go through it again. Sometimes the lesson is way longer than it needed to be because God has to get my attention one way or another. So when I was asking God, “What am I doing here?” I wasn’t even sticking around long enough to hear Him answer.
Friends, life is hectic. Life is busy. To-do lists never end. I know that for a fact! In all of this mess, I re-learned that our God is faithful, merciful, loving, and thankfully full of forgiveness. Take time to listen to Him. Don’t do like I did and run out the door and not listen to what He has to say. Turn off the radio and the noise and just listen even if it’s on your drive to work or to accomplish all the busyness of the day.
I felt like I was that lost little lamb out in the field. Crying out to my shepherd to come to find me. Come save me and comfort me. When I stopped and listened to Him, that’s exactly what He did. David, in Psalm 13:5, says,
“But I have trusted in your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”
Let’s pray:
Heavenly Father, help us realize when we are slowly drifting away from you. Help us to be in constant contact with you through prayer, praise, worship, and your word. These things keep us tethered to you and do not allow any room for the enemy. Help us learn the importance of a relationship with you is truly to be still and listen. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Beth Nahkala
Lean into Jesus Ministries
#bethnahkalablogs
